![]() Homer waits impatiently outside the gun store. HOMER Oh, how am I supposed to last five days without shooting something? He watches as a "Target Superstores" van, a line of ducks, a line of rabbits, Patty & Selma on a bicycle and Ned Flanders on his ride-on mower pass him. The next morning, Homer sits out on the lawn in a deck chair. HOMER (still muttering) Pushy kids, think they can tell me what to do in my house, well I tell you, parents these days, they don't know how to rear children. Can't you mutter in your room? HOMER Marge kicked me out. (At home that night, he is still muttering, as he paces up and down the hallway.) Let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. HOMER Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, well if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two. HOMER Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun. CLERK I'm sorry, but the law requires a five-day waiting period. HOMER Oh, I don't need anything like that. HOMER Ooh, I like the sound of that! CLERK (holding up a huge weapon) And this is for shooting down police helicopters. CLERK Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. The clerk takes the gun, then holds up several items in succession. HOMER I don't have to be careful, I got a gun. He picks up an unloaded handgun, points it at the clerk, and pulls the trigger several times. CLERK Aisle six, next to the "sympathy" cards. HOMER I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please. You deserve piece of mind, and piece of mind is what you shall have. MARGE Homer, we need something to protect this family. SALESMAN But surely, you can't put a price on your family's lives? HOMER I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are. HOMER Five hundred dollars? Aw, forget it. SALESMAN And you can have it all for only five hundred dollars. HOMER Let's get that - the suffocation thing. MARGE Wouldn't we all suffocate? SALESMAN (laughing) Well, I should hope not. But if you want to sleep easy at night, I recommend sealing off every door and window with bullet-proof Lucite. MARGE What do you recommend? SALESMAN Well, a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good, but doesn't provide any real protection. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere. Did you change the locks when you moved in? I thought not. HOMER What did I tell ya, Marge? SALESMAN Intruders could come down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries. (He pockets several things from the living room.) This home isn't secure at all. SALESMAN Looks like you called me just in time. ![]() He calls out a man from "Ex-Con Security". Homer decides to get some better security. A hand reaches through the mail slot and grabs the fish. A fishing line attached to the door holds an alarm clock above a goldfish bowl. Homer indicates a contraption by the front door. Sir! LISA Somebody's got to stop them! BART Let's wait until they burn the school down! MARGE Oh my god! Homer, they're right next door! HOMER Relax, Marge, if someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know. FLANDERS Excuse me sir, I think you've got my TV. Snake walks out of Ned Flanders' house with a television set. (He ducks to avoid something being thrown at him.) Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared "mob rule", so, for the next several years, it's every family for itself. KENT BROCKMAN What began as a traditional soccer riot, has escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. Outside, the whole town has engaged in the riot. MARGE Homer, we've got to get out of here! HOMER But I wanna do some rioting! (he pushes one of the Scotsmen) SCOTSMAN Jobbers cognots, ya mucker! HOMER All done! The family run off. WILLY Ach! You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school! The Scots join the fighting, and the riot escalates. Groundskeeper Willy and his friends watch from nearby. Barney gets mad, and dives headfirst into the people fighting, knocking them over. LENNY Shut your hole, Skinner! He punches Skinner, knocking him into Barney, spilling his beer. MOE Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! SKINNER Hey now, that's uncalled for. FLANDERS Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone. MEXICAN COMMENTATOR (excitedly) Half back passes to center, back to wing, back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!! SIDESHOW MEL I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving. KENT BROCKMAN (in a commentary booth, bored) Half back passes to the center, back to the wing, back to the center.
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